When people hear about adoption, they often picture a story wrapped up with a happy ending. Comments like, “[child’s name] is so lucky to have you,” or assumptions that a biological parent must be a terrible person are common. Sometimes people even believe adoption ties everything up neatly — as if once the papers are signed, the story becomes pain-free. But the truth is far more complex. Adoption carries beauty, yes, but it also carries deep brokenness.
As an adoptive mom, I live in that tension every day. I grieve for what my child lost — that there was never the chance to grow up in God’s original intent of a safe, whole family from the very beginning. I grieve also for what my child’s biological family lost in adoption. I feel sympathy for the life experiences that shaped the biological mom and the hardships that led her to where she is now. And if I’m honest, I feel anger too — because there were choices made, or things allowed, that deeply hurt my child.
Holding all of these emotions together isn’t simple. Yet, I remind myself often of the words, “But for the grace of God, there go I.” I could be in the same place if I had walked her path. That perspective humbles me and reminds me that adoption is never about rescuing or superiority, but about grace, stewardship, and walking through brokenness together.
Still, I can’t pretend everything is resolved. My child’s story is filled with trauma, and part of my role is to guard the heart and help promote healing. My child loves and remembers the biological mom often — she is a real and important part of this story. We speak about her in our home, but it isn’t time for her to be directly involved in his life. I long for the day when safe, consistent, and healing interactions might be possible, but for now my responsibility is protecting from retraumatization while also keeping space for her in his story.
Adoption is messy. It is beauty intertwined with brokenness, love interwoven with loss. Keeping space for her in his story reminds me that adoption doesn’t end with a court date or a name change. For children, the pain of separation doesn’t vanish. For parents, the tension of love, grief, and hope remains.
This is the truth I want others to see: adoption is not a fairy tale, but it is also not without hope. It is a journey of carrying both sorrow and love, and of trusting God’s grace to hold all the pieces together.