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I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly decide to become a foster parent. It was a slower unfolding. I remember as a kid knowing I wanted to adopt one day—I was so sure of it that I used to think any man I married would need to be open to adoption too. But at the time, I didn’t know much about foster care.

That changed when I moved away to college. One of my roommates talked about wanting to be a foster mom, and after graduation she became a house parent for an organization. That sparked something. Later, I spent time serving on the Yakima Indian Reservation, where kids would stay with us for different periods of time. That experience made a deep impact. When I moved back to Chattanooga, I knew I wanted to be involved with kids in some capacity, even if I didn’t know what that would look like yet. It was a mix of conversations, a few movies, and a growing ache to do something that finally made me look into foster parenting—though I still assumed it would be something for “later.”

When I started seriously pursuing licensing, I had a lot of fears. As a single woman working full time, I didn’t know how I’d manage logistics or meet the emotional needs of a child. People were worried for me—especially about the pain of attachment and loss. But my time on the reservation had already begun to teach me that love, even if it ends in heartache, is still worth it. I was also afraid of how I’d manage my own anxiety and depression while caring for someone else. I knew I wouldn’t be doing this perfectly.

That became even more real when I got the call about my first placement.

I was doing this with Pop, and we’d decided to start with respite care for kids ages 6–12. About a week or two after getting licensed, I got a call about a 3-year-old boy who needed a place for the weekend while his foster parents traveled out of state for a funeral. I talked to Pop, got more info, and we agreed I’d be home and available. That one weekend turned into two weekends back to back.

I’d been on pins and needles waiting for a call—and then suddenly I was an anxious mess. I had never cared for a toddler overnight on my own. I just wanted him to feel safe and cared for. I also wanted to do everything right. Being able to set an age range but still have the flexibility to go outside of it ended up being a gift. It gave me the space to stretch and to test the assumptions I had about what I could or couldn’t handle.

During the licensing process, I learned about the idea of “good enough” parenting. That was so freeing. I didn’t need to get everything right. I just needed to show up as a steady, stable, loving presence—and to repair when I messed up. I also learned to care a lot less about what other people thought. Parenting a child with trauma looks different. Sometimes it means doing things that might seem strange to someone with a traditional lens. I had to learn not to feel embarrassed when others saw my child acting out, and instead focus on what they needed most in that moment.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received came long before I started fostering. A pastor once told me, during a missions commissioning, “Don’t wait until you think I am ready, I am able, I can. Rather, obey, knowing He is ready, He is able, He can. And you’re just called to be faithful.” That stuck with me. I never really felt ready for foster care. And honestly, the deeper in I went, the less capable I felt. But God called me to it—and in that calling, He has prepared and provided.

If you’re considering fostering or adoption, don’t let fear of heartbreak or the unknown stop you. Not everyone is called to be a foster or adoptive parent, but if you are—it’s worth stepping in. Even when it’s scary. Even when it’s messy. When you step into this world, in whatever capacity, you’re stepping into the center of where God’s heart is.

There is a crisis in the foster care community. According to data from the Georgia Department of Human Services (DHS), in 2022, there were 10,715 children in the foster care system. Additionally, there were 5,771 licensed foster homes statewide in the same year. Placement of children includes relative caregivers (i.e., grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.), non-relative caregivers, group homes, institutions, or children who have run away and are unaccounted for. I have heard numerous times of a request for the placement of a child in a home where if no placement is found, the child will often have to stay in the Department of Family and Child Services (DFCS) offices or be put in hotel rooms, “hoteled”, until other arrangements can be found. In fact, in February of this year (2023) it was reported by 11Alive News that 50-70 children with complex needs are housed in these circumstances nightly in Georgia.

With this data in mind the need for qualified, licensed foster homes could not be more apparent. Unfortunately, statistics show that as many as 50% of foster parents quit within their first year, with another large drop for those in their second year of fostering. The well intentioned, love filled, big hearted families who step up to fill this gap are often quickly confronted lack of support, poor communication, and inadequate training that leaves them unprepared to meet the needs of the children in their care and more susceptible to burn out. If new foster homes can not be retained, with over 50% of homes closing within their first year, it will not be enough to keep up with the demand of children in care.

It seems to be the common experience of foster parents to reach a point along their journey to question if or why they should continue. Why continue? Are we even making a difference? Is the pain and heartache worth it? Can I handle going through all of this again? What moves us to persist in this marathon of a journey?

I have listened to many foster parents who have said that you have to know the reason you started this journey and continue to remind yourself when times feel impossible. Everyone’s answers will vary but I have found in the year and a half that I have been a foster mom that my answer matters. What answer could possibly make brokenness, intense grief, chaos, uncertainty, and lack of control worth it? The answer: A God who entered into the brokenness and bore in himself the sin, heartache, and brokenness and gave up everything to make me his.

What really does Jesus’ death have to do with foster care and with running the race well? He gave up everything for me for my benefit: he has brought me back into relationship with God. Now, in Christ I am called to love the things that God loves and to love others the way that I have been loved.

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.”

Philippians 2:4-8, ESV

I have been told countless times that it takes a special type of person to do what I’m doing and every time I feel deeply that if they could see how imperfect I am they would realize it just takes someone who says yes. I did not start this jo

Every single day I am faced with the reality that I am not enough: in and of myself I am insufficient to meet the needs of the kids in my care. If we are honest this is true of every area of our lives. The world today tries to tell us that we are enough but we were not created to be the end all be all for out kids or even ourselves. We were made to be dependant, creatures relying on our God to produce good works.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:4-5, ESV

The reason I am a foster mom is not about me. The reason I am a foster parent is not even ultimately about the kids. The reason is that I have a Savior who gave up everything and sacrificed his life to save me. I have a God cares about the vulnerable, oppressed, and exploited. He has molded my heart to care about those same things and he opened doors for me to love, serve, and die to self for vulnerable children.

When I started this journey it was exciting, but it was also scary. I felt unprepared and that there were so many reasons to walk away during the process. Prayerfully, and uncertain, I took one single step to see what doors God opened and if this was something I was really to pursue. Step after step, 18 months and 6 children later God still has me involved in foster care.

I have been reminded of God calling Abram (later Abraham) from Ur to go to the place God would show him and he would be blessed to become a great nation and the all the families of the earth would be blessed because of him. Abram didn’t know how far he was going or how these promises were going to come to pass but he obeyed God and followed him. Later, God promised Abraham that he was going to have a son, but that didn’t happen in the timing Abraham and Sarah thought it should and so they took it upon themselves to make it happen.

I must remember it is not my job to do what only God can do. It is my responsibility to be faithful and obedient in what God has called me. There is no other way that I would be able to do this journey. As I write, I am convicted of the ways I try to change my kids, or how I can slip into believing that if I love and support them in just the right ways I can heal their wounded hearts. If I in my finitude take upon myself the role of God in my life and the lives of my kiddos then I have no reason to expect persistence.

If you would like to read more on similar topics check out my post: Unmasking Illusions for Freeing Realities

Towards the beginning of the summer, during my 5 week break from fostering, I had more time on my hands. Emotions and feelings were on a pendulum: swinging from raw to muted and back again. I wanted to engage with things that helped me feel but also that in their own ways helped me grasp the bigger picture of the journey I was walking. Where I had been, where I was, and where I was going. Something that let me know the story wasn’t ending with me.

I began listening to one fictional story, Jayber Crow, that connected with something deep inside me. The further I read, when I came to the end I was left with an ache inside me for more. I could see the tensions in others of holding the combination of mixed emotions: hurt, tenderness, raw, numb, thankful, humored, guilty, exhausted, relieved, connected. I saw Jayber Crow learn to love through suffering and unmet desires. The Lord of the Rings put words and image to the struggles I was feeling, but also the reprieves I had been given that harkened to Rivendell. Even the friends in my life who are my own Samwise, Pip, and Merry. As healing and closure slowly worked upon me, I found my heart latching onto different pieces of the stories: the determined, persevering, adventurous, hopeful pieces. That cultivated the same in my own heart.

I have found, that truth works more readily upon our hearts when united with beauty. Authors like J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Charles Martin, and others use the creativity and dominion God bestowed us to capture the magnitude of the loveliness of truth. They set that truth in an other worldly story because, in reality, it’s not really of our world to begin with, is it? 

I have said much of my life that I rarely read fiction because there are too many amazing things that have happened in real life I can read about instead. While biographies, autobiographies, and other non-fiction work will still mark my reading, it will be balanced by books that make God’s truths even more fair as it resembles the pattern of the greatest Story, the greatest true story the world has know. 

I would encourage anyone but because of the place in life I find myself, especially foster parents, make time for this! Maybe you don’t have time to sit down and crack open a hard copy of Fellowship of the Rings (or whatever genre you prefer), but I am convinced that even if you have to listen on audiobook in the car between your kiddos appointments, maybe even with them, that it will encourage you. You just may find yourself being brought out of the world that so often can feel like you’re stuck with the walls closing in. God created us to enjoy, feel, and create. Our fallen world would seek to rob us of those good gifts.  So go pick up a book, or buy an audiobook and settle in for the adventure.

P.S. For those like minded and curious souls who wonder what the books were that I have been reading you can find the list from the last few months below. I would recommend every one of them, but my favorites are marked by an asterisk.

1. Jayber Crow
2. Crime and Punishment*
3. The Screwtape Letters
4. All of the Harry Potter Book Series *
5. The Lord of the Rings Series*
6. The Hobbit
7. Unwritten: A Novel 
8. Chasing Fireflies: A Novel of Discovery*

Foster parents are engaged in a work that necessitates courage. Daily, we are faced with the realities of problems that seem insurmountable, a future that is clouded, and uncertainty that arouses fear and trepidation. In scripture though, we see courage commanded and modeled for us in scripture.

“Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at its testing.”

-C.S. Lewis

One of the most memorable instances of this command and model is when Joshua is given leadership over Israel to take them into the promised land. Joshua was grieving the death of Moses, he knew the rebellious nature of the people he led, and knew well the reality of the enemies they would face in Canaan. God commanded Joshua three times in verses one through nine of Joshua 1 to “be strong and courageous.” God did not just give him this command but gave him a reason for this courage: “for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (vs. 9)

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

We as foster parents face being unsure if we can handle the behaviors of a child. We are afraid the right choice is not being made in a decision we have no control over. We do not know how long a child will be with us, if they will go back to their families, or if they may be moved somewhere else at a moments notice. We fear the pain we know beyond a shadow of a doubt we will feel when child we have loved completely leaves us and we are left with memories and deep heartache.

Franklin D. Roosevelt has oft been quoted that “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” When I fear to love because I am afraid to hurt, courage is found in the assessment that that to love is more important than to self-protect and acting accordingly. Elizabeth Elliot has said, “Sometimes fear does not subside and one must do it afraid.” We have a God whom we can trust and who through his spirit at work in us empowers us to respond courageously to the circumstances to which he leads us.

From the time I began this journey I have had many well intentioned people tell me, “I could never do what you’re doing; I would get to attached.” This response has always bothers me to some degree. Why? Well, there are a few reasons. The first is because I was and am knowingly entering into relationship where I have and will continue to get too attached. Secondly, I am entering into a situation that I am not strong enough of my own accord to handle. I am not a foster parent because I am more capable than anyone else, but because God has brought me here and I have stepped out in obedient reliance on him. Finally, an integral, necessary part of foster care is that you get “too attached.” I wanted to take the opportunity to share why I am doing this. What do I go to when I am in the hard seasons of this journey?

When I started the process of getting licensed I was exhorted by one of my pastors to “count the cost before I built my tower.” And in this break between placements, I reflect on the cost I have paid and if it is worth it. As I consider this, I am reminded of what C.S. Lewis had to say about love.

These are the moments where from the outside and sometimes internally, I wonder why would I subject myself to this? I am willingly entering into a relationship that will not be easy no matter the situation. You chose to love and care for the child (who often doesn’t know how to accept that) for an unknown amount of time, knowing that the goal is for them to not stay with you permanently, and often they don’t.

Why am I doing this? What do I fall back on during my hardest most painful days? The biggest and first reason is because I want to follow after God’s heart and He makes explicitly clear his heart for children, especially the vulnerable (fatherless.) There are numerous verses I could point to that show His heart but there are a few passages that have especially captured my heart for many years and have impacted my desire to serve vulnerable children.

On the hardest days I chose to love knowing that I have been shown exceedingly more love and grace than I am capable of showing. In the moments and seasons of heartache, I remember that I am healthy enough to choose to love knowing I can heal and that many of the kids that come across my path have never experienced that kind of love. Even though I may never see the fruit of my love and care, each child deserves to be safe, loved and cared for and shown the dignity due to an image bearer of God. I would rather love and give myself fully and be hurt than to avoid attachment and love nothing and as C.S. Lewis said above “It [your heart] will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

This journey is filled with paradoxes that often must be held together in my heart and mind with no clear resolution. I tend to want emotions, feelings, and realities to fit into neat compartments. Compartments that are concise and don’t overlap with one another. It is a paradox when doubt, what-if’s, and nagging questions are all held alongside deep confidence in the goodness and perfect wisdom of God.

The last five months I became a mother to a child only 10 years my junior. I gave her the best of me and some. From where I stand now I can say I have not been perfect by far, but I have been faithful. That faithfulness led me to let go of her when my heart did not want to. Now I hold inside of me the hope that my God is powerful to work and the questions of why can’t I see it yet? Why not obviously demonstrate His healing and restoring work in her when I know He can do more than I could even desire to ask.

God is not daunted or offended by my questions. On the contrary, he invites me to cast all my anxieties upon him (1 Peter 5:7). Is it not better to wrestle with God with all my questions and doubts? I may wrestle, but He must alway win. I can know Him better, though no answer be made clear. And I would rather know Him better and hold the tension in my mind and heart than to bury it to fester into cynicism and bitterness.

I often write to work through an issue. To get to the root of it and parse it out. In this case, I end with just as many questions as before I started. But, I am learning to hold the tension.